I can’t believe it’s been a year. A year since I last saw you and held you. A year since my world was turned upside down. I miss you so much it hurts. I think about you every day and my heart still aches every time I do. I still cry when I think of you, not as often as I used to though. I guess that’s a good thing.
Today on your special day I cried a lot. I cried because I miss what could have been. You would probably be walking by now. Your sister Cassidy was walking before she turned one and girls usually do things earlier than boys. I probably took you off the bottle by now and started giving you a sippy cup. Your favorite food would probably be french fries like your brothers and sister cause you aren’t eating baby food anymore. I wonder what you would look like. Would you have daddy’s blue eyes or be the first one to have my brown eyes? Would you have brown hair like Cassidy and Caleb, or light brown hair like Aiden and Bryan? I know you would have a button nose and full little lips like all of them. I saw that for myself a year ago today.
We will both celebrate your birthday, but a lot of things are different. I’m sad that I can’t plan your first birthday and be with you to celebrate. Instead I’ll be visiting you at the cemetery and you’ll be celebrating with Jesus. You probably have more people at your party in Heaven then you would have here on Earth. I know you are having a better party than I could ever plan, but it still hurts. I’m not lighting your candle on your cake, instead I’m lighting one in your memory. I can’t watch you open your presents, instead I will send you some balloons and bring you flowers. I can’t watch you dig into and make a mess with your first cake, instead I’ll eat a piece and imaging you blowing out the candle. I can’t take pictures of you, instead I will look at the ones I already have.
I wish more than anything you were here with us. I wish more than anything that I could hold you in my lap and help you open your presents. But I can’t. It just hurts so much. Happy 1st Birthday my sweet Bella! I love you so much! Mommy can’t wait for the day when I can hold you in my arms again!