What can I say about Mother’s Day this year? It was definitely a bittersweet day. I think more bitter, than sweet. I know I am blessed. I have a husband that loves and adores me, and children that are beautiful and healthy. But still, there were gray clouds hovering over my special day.
Over the last two months I have heard, “You have other children. Be thankful for them,” or, “Love on the ones you still have.” These are all great truths. But the realistic, honest truth, is that there is still a hole in my heart, there is still something missing. It’s not a matter of my other children not being enough, or not loving them as much, or not being thankful for them. It’s just the love that I have for them, I also had for Bella.
There’s something about a mother’s love for her children. No one else knows or understands this feeling unless you have experienced it for yourself. It starts from the moment you find out you’re expecting. This child becomes a part of you, a part of your body for nine months. You get to experience the miracle of life first hand, because you watch them grow and feel them move inside. You feel their little hiccups and their kicks and stretches. The best part is seeing them on the sonograms. You can only feel them for majority of the nine months, so it’s so exciting when you actually get to see them. Most women get a sonogram at the very beginning, in the middle and at the end of the pregnancy. Not me. I got to see her every week the last few months of my pregnancy. So although she wasn’t “here,” it was as if I was visiting her each week. I could argue my love for her was even stronger than most women feel, because of the fact I got to see her so often. In my eyes she was here, I couldn’t hold her yet, but she was here.
So whether someone has lost a grown child, or a spouse or a parent, the pain is still real. Although she was not physically here, it hurts just as much as someone who was. Although, they say the worst pain someone can feel is the death of a child. I could arguably say it’s true.