Are You Successful?

How do you define success?  Is it a flourishing career, a beautiful home, fancy electronics, lots of “rainy day”  money in the bank?  Most people would say yes to those things and there is nothing wrong with that.  If you work hard and are responsible, why can’t you reap the benefits?  That is how success is viewed in today’s society.  The more money and shiny things you own, the more successful you are.  But what if we look at it from God’s perspective? Do you think we would see things differently?

Day 2

So today was a little bit better than yesterday.  I actually made it through the day without crying, although I had to swallow my tears a few times.  I was still greeted with hugs and warm smiles, even saw some faces I didn’t see yesterday.  I started working with some of my students too.  I was a little nervous around the kids though.  Kids are so carefree, especially the little ones, and say whatever they think. You never know what they are going to say.  I met that fear face to face today.

While I was working with some 2nd graders, one of them expressed how they missed me and said I was gone for a long time.

I agreed and said, “Yes, Mrs. De Leon was gone a long time.”

“Why?” he asked.  I kind of froze on what to say. I guess because I didn’t answer fast enough, someone else did.

“Because her baby died,” a little girl responded.

“Yeah, she did,” I said.

That was hard to swallow.  I know I can’t take things personal and I know the kids aren’t out to hurt me.  They just say what’s on their mind.  I know the older kids wanted to ask me questions, but out of respect they didn’t. Even though they didn’t ask me anything, I still felt a bit uneasy.  I know they are old enough to understand what happened. So I’m sure it was on their mind when they saw me.  I know each day will get a little bit easier and I won’t feel so out-of-place.

Day 1

I went back to work today.  I wasn’t looking forward to it.  I wasn’t looking forward to the awkward hellos, the nervous smiles, the staring eyes, the curious minds, hugs, prayers and condolences. I pulled into the parking lot and instantly had butterflies in my stomach.  I walked into the front office and was immediately greeted and hugged by familiar faces.   There’s something about people telling you they love you and are praying for you that immediately makes you want to cry.

I quickly made it to the other side of the campus and found safe haven in my portable.  It’s very rare that I’m in there and I usually don’t like to walk across campus to it, but I couldn’t get to it fast enough.  I was okay most of the day as long as I was by myself in my room.  It’s when I had to interact with people that made it hard.  I cried at least three times throughout the day.  Although I saw many of them, I didn’t work with any students.  That will be tomorrow’s challenge.

Going Back to Work

So my 6 week maternity leave was up on April 15th. And although they want me to take care of myself and take as much time as I need, business is business and I must return. I go back tomorrow and I am not looking forward to it. I know it’s something I need to do and it’s definitely something I’ve been putting off. I know it will keep me busy and I’ll have less down time to sit and think. I just don’t like the idea of walking in and people hugging me asking me how I’m doing. I work at a school so there will be plenty of people to do that. I also don’t like the idea of when people see me they will think “I wonder if she’s okay?” or “I can’t believe she lost her baby.” I know I’m probably thinking too much into it. People have said it won’t be that bad. I just don’t want to feel like I’m being watched. I know adults, well most of the time, will be careful what they say, but when you work with children you never know what they will say or when they will say it. Kids can be very blunt and direct. I know not to take things personal and that children are just curious, but it doesn’t mean it stings less. I just pray I can get through the day tomorrow, preferably with no breakdowns.